Farida's Blog

My dearest Louisa,

I have been in the most dreadful and pathetic state these two centuries at least. So wretchedly ill and fatigued you have no idea. My hands are so weak and lifeless I can barely proceed with what I have set out to do this morning, however, I am determined, even if it wrenches the last of my strength out of my body and I shall spend the rest of the day lying on the sofa too enfeebled by exertion to move. I am sure I do not remember the last time I could sit upright or take up a pen to write to you and, while I have been thus unwell, all I could dwell upon was how ill you would think of me if I did not send you a reply. I was in agony over it, I can assure you, dreading that you might get it into your head that I have taken offence with your words and decided to spurn your advice and sympathy.

No, indeed! Nothing can be farther from the truth, I assure you. I was greatly diverted by your accounts of Mrs. Berry and Aunt Grey and, though I was awfully vexed at your thinking so very ill of the Captain at first, I could not remain angry with you for long, aware as I am that you only want what is best for me. To tell you the truth, I begin to think quite ill of him myself and I must confess that I have grown somewhat concerned about his intentions. I am sure that he is in love with me as much as ever, however, I have been stationed in this dreadful place for two months now without any idea when I should become his wife. Indeed, at times I begin to think that you have been in the right all along and that my dear Captain is not going to marry me after all.

No! No! I must not think so! Oh, I know I must not! I am being silly and I know precisely the reason why I have such monstrous thoughts polluting my mind. I have been too long without any amusements to occupy my time and thus I have grown stupid and forlorn. I am not used to spending all my days inside with no company and entertainment and I am sure that London – or at the very least that wretched part of it where we took up lodgings – does not at all agree with my spirits and constitution. I detest its putrid air that suffocates me whenever I look out of the window. I am convinced that it is no place for a simple country girl like me and I am certain that this is what has been causing my melancholy, loss of appetite, sickness and faintness. I have been growing rather ill and I have quite alarmed poor faithful Molls by a number of fainting fits that I have had this past fortnight.

She is afraid that I should pop off at any moment and she keeps saying that I should send for the doctor. However, when I brought this matter up before the Captain, he was adamant that I should not. He is talking about taking me to the country, where he is certain I shall regain my health and spirits in no time. He says that he has an estate somewhere in the North. I do wish he would spend more time with me, however, he is almost never around during the day and, when I am left alone in such a wretched state, I am plagued by a great deal of awful thoughts and suspicions. I begin to think that he does not love me and I wonder whether he ever loved me at all. Why did he ask me to elope with him and brought me to London, yet did not marry me as he had promised he would? What am I to do if he does not? What is happening to me? Why does he not let me see a doctor? I have been quite hysterical, crying my eyes out. Why! The paper is all damp and blotched now and I am sure you shall not understand a word of it.

Dear God! What have I done? Oh, Louisa! I think I am losing my mind! I wish you and my dear mama were here by my side! I do not think that I can stand it any more! I dare say I should go to the shops tomorrow or, perhaps, to the park or an exhibition and then, in the evening, to the theatre or the Opera. I shall speak with Captain as soon as he is back and if he truly loves me he shall not refuse me such a trifle. I do not know what else to tell you. In any case, I cannot proceed to write another line, because my head has grown heavy and I feel sick again. I shall not give orders to post the letter just yet, in case I have something by way of news for you, though, upon my word, I cannot imagine how it can be. I shall have my rest now.

Oh, Emily!

What have you done? What were you thinking when you eloped with the Captain? No, no! I do not know what I am saying! You did not think about mother and father and your sisters and how it would effect them; you did not even think about your own self and your reputation when your elopement should become a public knowledge! Oh, Emily! Wretched, wretched girl! I am in the state of utmost agitation, so much so that my hand is shaking terribly and, unless I compose myself, the words that I am putting down will be quite unintelligible, which will completely defeat my purpose, because I need you to read them clearly and carefully and heed them before all is lost. I am sending this letter by express in hopes that it reaches you before you can do any more damage.

Before I proceed with my admonitions and words of caution, I would like to tell you quite plainly that I find your conduct unfair in regards to your most beloved sister: you might not be the smartest of the lot, I grant you that, but I always believed that the prerogative to do mischief and commit indiscretions rested with the youngest sister. However, you have robbed me of my rightful chance to act stupid and, by appointing me as your confidant, put me in the offices of the eldest and the wisest of sisters: to keep your secret safe and provide you with council when necessary. I do not blame you for not trusting Julia, because I know how difficult it is to get along with her unless you are a novel in nine volumes, but I cannot help resenting my current situation.

I hope you duly appreciate how tricky it will be for me to post this and all subsequent letters under mother’s watchful eye without her detection. But I am so angry with you at the moment that I have half a mind to leave it at that and ask you to stop writing to me altogether, especially under the name of Miss Larolles*! It was extremely thoughtless of you to adopt that name when everyone still remembers how well you read her lines! Please, choose carefully next time. I believe Miss Leeson* would do much better for the purpose of concealing your true identity, for no one who has been in your company once would believe you capable of containing your silence for five minutes together, let alone the whole evening.

I assure you I could not keep my countenance for the world when I recognized your hand and I would fain give you away, but a new book arrived for Julia with the post and it turned out to be a wrong book and such a commotion ensued you will not believe if I tell you. By the time Julia, mother and father settled down, I had already acquainted myself with the letter a few times, composed myself sufficiently to appear undisturbed by the shocking news it contained, so that your elopement remained a secret. Nevertheless, it was a very foolhardy thing to do and I hope that you will think better of it and return to the school while you still have a chance.

Aunt Grey has not yet informed parents that you managed to escape from under her very nose. I expect she is afraid to give the news after she had boasted of strict regulations and tight security at the school. I do hope that you left the poor woman with assurances of your well-being if not your destination. I think that the fact that she keeps your disappearance a secret is an indication that she sent someone to find and retrieve you. I may be mistaken, however, I do not know how she is going to explain to mother your absence at the school if it comes to light. But, while it is not a wide-spread knowledge, I would advice you to return to the school and forget all about the Captain.

I hope you realize that your current situation is extremely dangerous. Have you stopped to think what will happen if Captain Twycross does not choose to marry you in the end? If I were you, I would not trust him for the world. What security do you have other than his word and the ring that he gave you? And what can that signify in his case, anyway? No man of honour would seduce a young girl into elopement unless he had something to conceal. You speak of his low connections but what else do you know of him and his family? Where did he come from? Who are his friends? What are his prospects? Oh, Emily! I entreat you to come back to Aunt Grey! Forget about the Captain! Save yourself from ruin. Think about your family. Remember that our reputation is at stake. And, above all, do not roam the streets of London! What if someone sees you? I daresay someone has already seen you!

I hope that what I am about to tell you next will convince you to do as I tell you. My piece of news is very grave and I must urge you to take it to heart, repent and make the right decision. We had a small party yesterday. Nothing out of the ordinary, just for friends of the family, you know. Fitzroy, Perry and Morrice were also in attendance. In fact, Fitzroy and Perry got it into their heads that in your absence they should pay Julia and me all possible attention. Thus Fitzroy stayed by my side, Perry tried to please Julia despite her constant snubs and Morrice, who could not decide who to pay court, was going back and forth between the two of us all evening long. Mrs. Berry was also present and when we gathered for tea in the drawing-room she told mother the wildest story imaginable. At least that was what I thought at the time, because she said that her daughter had seen you in London!

Mother was deeply shocked to hear such a thing and, shaking her head, said, “Impossible! She must be mistaken. You see, Emily is now at school near York. My sister – Mrs. Grey – keeps a boarding school there and Emily is one of her students. I’m afraid we had to send her there, because she was so much trouble at home that we could no longer control her actions. She is such a featherbrained, silly creature that we have quite despaired of her. I always dreaded that she should elope with someone unless she was kept busy. But she is not like her younger sisters. Julia is always busy with a book and Louisa constantly practices at the pianoforte, but Emily was only ever good at flirting with young men. However, Mrs. Grey assured me that at her school Emily would be so much occupied with studies and other duties that no silly schemes would ever enter her head.”

However, despite mother’s conviction to the contrary, Mrs. Berry’s words gave birth to certain suspicions that would not leave her for the rest of the evening. I carefully studied her countenance and perceived that she was deeply concerned. She continued to tell Mrs. Berry about her fears in regards to your future and, now that I come to think of it, I remember that the name of your captain was mentioned in passing as a likely candidate to turn your head. But then they both agreed that every other girl was in love with him and that he did not favour anyone in particular, but other than that and the fact of his good looks they could hardly tell anything else about him. Surely, this should put you on your guard, Emily! He is a complete stranger in the neighbourhood and I am quite sure that his acquaintance with Captain Henry is of slight and insignificant nature.

As soon as the guests left, mother conducted a thorough search in your room and your many drawers, in particular, were put to the most vigorous investigation. But, satisfied that she did not find anything to suggest a secret love affair or anything of the kind, mother went to her room and was her usual serene self at breakfast, certain that you remained safely in Aunt Grey’s care. Well, I do not begin to imagine her reaction when she finds out that Mrs. Berry’s daughter was not mistaken and it was indeed you whom she saw in London. I daresay she will not learn it from me for I would not like to give her the news and betray your trust but I fear that if she hears any more accounts of the kind she will write to Mrs. Grey with inquiries.

I hope I have not wasted all this time and paper in vain, Emily. I have got nothing more to say at this point except to insist that you return and I want to believe that when you receive my letter, you will be at Aunt Grey’s or, at the very least, on your way there.

London, 18-

My dearest Louisa,

How do you like my new address? I am sure you shall be monstrously shocked when you read it. And yet, if you are not alone when you receive the letter, I must beg you to exert yourself and conceal both your knowledge and your agitation, for it is all quite a big secret. In fact, I am not supposed to tell anyone for the present, but how can I keep it from you, my dearest sister? I am all of a dither, I assure you, because mama and papa will be so very angry when they learn that I left school and eloped with Captain Twycross!

However, we are soon to be married and then they shall have no business to be cross with me, because he is quite rich, and it will be announced in the papers, and Julia and you will be out at only sixteen and fifteen! That’s what mama said: “Once Emily is off the shelf, the both of you shall be out at the same time.” Just imagine! You shall dine abroad, attend parties, dance at the assemblies and have as many beaus as you wish. Of course, you are neither of you half so handsome as I am, but that does not signify anything, I assure you. Though, I imagine, you cannot expect to catch the eye and attach someone as dashing as my dear Captain. But I quite envy you the novelty of being out for the first time. However, I shall very soon become a wife and a mistress of my own household and I am sure I find the novelty of my situation extremely frightful. I am half mad with excitement at the very notion!

But, upon my word, I cannot imagine why mama insisted that I should attend Mrs. Grey’s School in the first place. I do not think that just because Aunt Grey is her sister, she should have promised her that one of her girls would be a student there. It is a monstrously dull place and I am awfully happy that I am not setting foot there ever again. You have no idea how horrid it was! Aunt Grey was perfectly horrible, I assure you. She taught us Latin and Greek, made us read history, learn geography and do arithmetic! And that’s only half of it. Well, I can do my stitches as well as the next person, but as to all of that other stuff, I am as stupid as a duck. I am sure I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing most of the time. At any rate, I always believed that out of the three of us, I was the handsomest, Julia the smartest, or else I do not know what she means by constantly keeping her nose in a book, and you, my dearest Louisa, the sweetest creature on earth! And I do not think that just because I am the eldest, I should be the cleverest. I declare I’m quite sick of the very notion.

Anyway, you must be monstrously curious to know how it all came about with the Captain, when I dropped not a hint to you! I am sure I have been talking about him these twenty ages at least, but so has every other girl who had ever set her eyes upon him, so I was not so obvious in my particular regard, because everybody was quite in love with him, you know. Excepting our old suitors for they naturally detested him and wished him at the devil. I am sure no one looked at them twice with him around. He is tall and handsome, broad-shouldered and dark-haired, with grey eyes and charming smile. His manner is gallant and his step is graceful and he wears a uniform and I am sure that there is no one who knows quite so many compliments as he does! His talk is so fine!

I met him at the very first assembly this summer. He came with Captain Henry and there was not a head that he did not turn his way. But I instantly perceived that he had singled me out among all the rest and that he desperately wished to dance with me. I was not surprised for anything. I was wearing my new pink muslin and you know how monstrously pretty I look in pink. But I was exceedingly vexed that I had already promised Fitzroy and Perry to dance with them and then, if you can believe it, Morrice would not quit my side unless I danced with him too! However, at last, after much nonsense and aggravation, I was going down the set with Captain and he was paying me the most ridiculous compliments ever. I am sure he was very much in love with me before the end of the evening.

I cannot remember now if I told you any of that, but, perhaps, I did not, because I was out so much and I had no time for writing and you were staying with Aunt Dockree. But Captain and I had to be very careful, you know, and there were times when we did not dance a single dance together in order to avoid detection. He was monstrously in love with me, but I confess I was extremely jealous when he would pay court to other women. However, I knew that he was doing it for my sake, because he did not want people to talk. He told me during our next encounter that I had quite bewitched him, but that he feared that my parents would forbid him from seeing me if his intentions towards me became obvious, because of his low connections, you know, but that he only ever imagined his life with me and so as not to be separated we had to conceal our affair.

When I told him that I was going back to school – I assure you I could not bear the very notion – he was devastated. It was such a blow to the both of us, but Captain was particularly effected and, as we were about to part for the night, he asked me with much feeling if we could correspond. I was monstrously happy that he had the idea, because I did not think I could stand it if I did not hear from him till the holidays. We got secretly engaged on the eve of my departure and I can assure you that it killed me not to share the news with you. I was dying to show you the ring that he had given me, but he had told me to have patience and I did not want to upset him.

My maid helped me manage our correspondence and keep it a secret from Mrs. Grey – you have no idea how meddlesome she can be! I was so sick of this place, I am sure I should have died of misery if I had not promised the Captain to write regularly. But last week he declared, with many pretty words and expressions, that he could no longer sustain the agony of separation and suggested that we should elope. He means to acquire a license and then I shall be Mrs. Twycross! I am monstrously excited and I mean to do all my shopping tomorrow. I do not know if I shall have another occasion to write to you before the event, however, I cannot wait to meet you at our parents’ house as a married woman! But, hush! Do not tell anyone just yet!